JOYRIDE, by John Enright

 

SCENE ONE

An office.  BILL, 45, and JERRY, 30, are talking.

 

BILL 

I’m meeting with the CEO at eight.

 

JERRY

A.M. or P.M.?

 

                                                            BILL

                          P.M.  Tonight.

 

JERRY

                                                That’s late.

 

BILL

He doesn’t think so.  Working long hard days

Is how he got his job.  It often pays

To make an extra effort  - if you follow

My meaning.

 

JERRY

              I don’t think I want to swallow

Your message whole.  I want to have a life.

 

BILL

Just wait a minute.  Do you have a wife?

 

JERRY

Umm… no.

 

BILL

                 A girlfriend, then?

 

JERRY

                                                Umm… no.

 

BILL

                                                                        Then are

You gay?

 

JERRY

Umm… no.

 

BILL

                        Then where’s this shining star

You call your life?  You sound like you’re a dreamer,

Pining away.  Meanwhile, some bold schemer

Is scoring with the girl you just envision.

 

 

JERRY

I’m doing fine.  Please spare me your derision.

As I recall, you’re single too.

 

BILL

                                                Divorced.

It wasn’t pretty.  I felt quite outsourced.

But I was married and we made two kids,

Two lovely kids, before we hit the skids.

A big chunk of my paycheck goes for their

Support.  And here’s what really isn’t fair:

Their mother’s turned them both against me.  Where

Is the justice in that?  I pay my share,

And in return I’d like my kids to care

About me too.  Is that too much to ask?

 

JERRY

I’d say that every dad expects to bask

In admiration from their children, but

I’d also say that money isn’t what

Inspires their adoration.

 

BILL

                                    When they’re grown

They’ll understand.  When all the facts are known,

There’ll be a reckoning, a restitution.

They’ll thank me for my weighty contribution.

 

JERRY

I hope it all works out.

 

BILL

                                    At any rate,

As I began to say, tonight at eight

I’m meeting with the CEO concerning

The slump in overseas investment earning

That showed up in our second quarter data.

You worked on that, I’m hoping you can wait a

While at your desk tonight - say until nine.

After nine - assume it all went fine

And head on home.  But hang till then in case

We need more extracts from your database.

That’s not a problem, is it?

 

JERRY

                                                No.  I’ll stay.

 

BILL 

And by the way, the company will pay

Your dinner bill, since it’s at our request

You’re staying here so late, and I’d suggest

You go ahead and splurge a little bit.

Just turn the voucher into me, and it

Will be approved.

 

JERRY

Won’t Cooper think that’s strange?

 

BILL 

Don’t worry.  He’s your boss, but I’ll arrange

A small exception, since this is a favor

You’re doing me.  Think of it as a waiver

From Cooper’s cheapskate ways, and simply savor

The taste of my largesse.

 

JERRY

                                        Why thanks, I might

Just take you up on that.

 

BILL

                                        Yes.  Take a bite

Of life, on me.  There’s an Italian place

Just up the road; it’s a good choice in case

You happen to get stuck here after ten.

I’ve walked in at eleven.  Even then

They seated me and treated me like royalty.

They know how to reward customer loyalty.

Tell them I sent you , and you’ll get a meal.

It’s name is Pagliacci’s.  Try the veal.

Oh, there’s one more thing I meant to mention -

You will not be alone in your detention.

My new assistant’s staying here as well.

 

JERRY

I don’t believe I’ve met him.

 

BILL

            I can tell.

 

JERRY

How’s that?

 

BILL

                        Because it’s not a him.  It’s her.

I think you’d notice that.  So I infer…

 

JERRY

I see.

 

BILL

           You will.  I was her manager

Before, when I was still in auditing.

And now I’ve pulled some strings so I could bring

Her here. She’s good.  She makes a spreadsheet sing.

Her name is Beth. 

 

JERRY

                            The odds are high I’ve met her,

But don’t recall…

 

BILL

                          I couldn’t ask for better.

She’s smart and driven.   One more favor, Jerry:

The parking lot, when it gets dark, is scary.

Could you make sure to walk her to her car?

So she’ll feel safe.   You know how women are.

 

JERRY

No problem.  Hey, does she get dinner, too?

 

BILL

Of course.

 

JERRY

                   Well, maybe I can ask her…

 

BILL

                                                               You?

There is no harm in asking, but you’ll find

That she’s a girl with business on her mind,

Who carefully and wisely has declined

To date fellow employees, out of fear

Of overcomplicating her career.

 

JERRY 

So she refuses to be wined and dined?

 

BILL

I don’t mean that I’ve asked her, but I’ve heard

Her talk emphatically upon these themes

In phone calls with her mother.  All her dreams

Are centered on becoming a success.

I’ve heard her say she won’t date men unless

She’s sure that they won’t bog her down at all.

 

JERRY

Yeesh.  Not my type.  Well, if you need to call,

I’ll be here.

 

BILL

        Thanks.

 

JERRY

             But I cannot envision

My scoring big with Beth.

 

BILL

                                        A wise decision.

 

                        Blackout.


SCENE TWO

 

The same.  The next morning.  JERRY is talking to BETH, an attractive woman, about 27.           

 

JERRY

(with jesting formality)

Good morning, Miss McNulty.  How are you?

 

BETH

                                                  (jesting in return)

When did you learn my last name?  Beth will do.

 

JERRY

You don't like Liz or Betty?

 

BETH

No, I don't.

Don't even say those names.

 

JERRY

                                               Okay, I won't.

 

BETH

                                                     (with distaste)

I had an uncle that used to call me Liz.

 

JERRY

Would I be right in guessing that he is

Not quite your favorite uncle?

 

BETH

                                                Well, he's dead.

 

JERRY

Oh, sorry.

 

BETH

                Don't be.

 

JERRY

                               Why not?

 

BETH

                                           (reluctant, then bursting forth                                 

                                                    Uncle Ted

Did something bad to me when I was ten.

 

JERRY

Oh, sorry.

 

BETH

              Don't be.  Don't be sorry again.

There's too much sorry in the world already.

 

JERRY

Okay, then.  I'm not sorry.

 

BETH

                                         About last night...

 

JERRY

Yeah.  How about it!

 

BETH

                                  Perhaps it wasn't right

For me to lead you on like that.

 

JERRY

                                               Like what?

Besides, I liked it.

 

BETH

                               Like a little slut.

 

JERRY

Who?  Me or you?

 

BETH

                             Regardless, I don't think

That it would be advisable to link

Up in the future the way we did last night.

 

JERRY

Advisable?  Is this about that bite?

 

BETH

I want you to know that's never happened before.

 

JERRY

Really?  I'm flattered.

 

BETH

Is your shoulder sore?

 

JERRY

It smarts.  How would lunch be?

 

BETH

I told you no.

 

JERRY

Just lunch.  No games.  Just talk.  We'll even go

Fast food or something.  Totally unromantic.

No charm.  No atmosphere.

 

BETH

                                            I think we can pick

Some place with better food that's simply quiet...

Wait.  No.  No lunch.  I said -

 

JERRY

                                                          C'mon.  Just try it.

 

BETH

That's what you said last night.

 

JERRY

                                   You really looked

Like you enjoyed yourself.

 

BETH

                                             I could get hooked.

You know that.  But it isn't in my plans.

I've got a career here.  Why should some man's

Attractiveness wreck that?  We had some fun.

Let's leave it there.

 

JERRY

                        But what if you're the one?

The one for me.  The one that I was born

To love.

 

BETH

           Oh please.  Grow up.

 

JERRY

                                 Don't pour your scorn

Out on my dreams like that - like lemon juice

Into a wounded heart.

 

BETH

                                Let's have a truce.

I won't make fun of your romantic dreams,

If you will keep them to yourself.  That seems

A fair exchange.

 

JERRY

                          That's no exchange at all.

A frank exchange of views - of dreams.  I'd call

That fair.  I think we owe each other more

Than thanks for mutual pleasure.  Don't ignore

The meaning of that pleasure.

 

BETH

                                               Pleasure means

Plenty to me.  But such passionate scenes

As we enacted in my bed are not

A substitute for income.  What we've got

Here -- jobs -- come first.  Without gainful employment

We'll be out on the street -- and sexual enjoyment

Will be the last thing on our minds.  How many

Intimate entanglements -- if any --

Do homeless people have per week?

 

JERRY

                                                       Oh, please.

Talk about sharing wild fantasies!

Nobody’s going to get fired, and if we did,

So what?  There's lots of jobs out there.

 

BETH

                                                             Don't kid

Yourself.  It's not always that easy.

 

JERRY

                                                    You're

Just freaking out.  And I'm not really sure

What it's about.  Is this some kind of guilt

Trip after the joyride?

 

BETH

(becoming visibly upset)

                                         Okay.  You've built

A wonderful defense.  It's all my fault.

Your ego's safe.  A woman dares to jilt

You?  Just launch an analytical assault

Upon her motivation.  Rip her soul

To shreds and run the pieces up a pole.

Then ask : "what kind of woman could this be

Who wouldn't want to spend the night with me?"

 

Enter Bill

 

JERRY

I think you are a beautiful debater.

But, whoa, here comes your boss, I'll see you later.

 

Exit Jerry

 

BILL

I'm sorry.  Was I interrupting something?

 

BETH

Not really.

 

BILL

                    Good.  Because it's just a dumb thing

I need to ask.  The numbers that you gave

To me last week, did you happen to save

A copy?

 

BETH

   Yes.  Of course.

 

BILL

                                        Well then...  You know

Today you seem to have a certain glow.

 

BETH 

Oh.  Really?

 

BILL

                      Oh, yes, really.  So if you could

Give me those numbers again then I would

Be grateful.  Very grateful.

 

BETH

                                              Why so grateful?

 

BILL 

Two reasons.  First, I'm busy.  I've a plateful

Of things to do.  And secondly...  But speaking

Of  platefuls, hot sauce has a way of leaking

All over.  I must ask about your dinner.

 

BETH

My dinner?

 

BILL

                     Yes.  Last night.  Was it a winner?

I hear that you two shared a cozy table

At Pagliacci's, and that you were able

To polish off two bottles of Chablis

Before departing arm in arm.

 

BETH

                                               Did HE

Tell you all this?  Has he been bragging

About his virtuoso feat of dragging

Me into bed?

 

BILL

                     I heard it from the waiter,

When I arrived about an hour later

After you left.  Somehow it didn't sound

Like you were dragged.  Or were you gagged and bound?

And if you were, was it against your will?

 

BETH

Against my better judgment.  Listen, Bill,

You know the way I am.

 

BILL

                                       Indeed.  I do.       

 

BETH

I'm not the type to lose my head.

 

BILL

                                                     Who?  You?

 

BETH

I'm not the type to fall in bed.

 

BILL

                                                What?  Fall?

 

BETH

I mean, I might jump in and have a ball,

But at my choosing, after careful thought.

 

BILL

And this time?

 

BETH

This time, somehow, I got caught

 In passion that was not so rational,

 Desire that was simply smashing all

 My plans to bits in pounding waves of pleasure.

 

BILL

Sounds rough.  Strong feelings overflow the measure

And leave you tossed and turned upon the ocean.

But what I wouldn't give if that emotion

Could be my own!

 

BETH

                            You'd like to feel confused?

 

BILL

By love?  You bet.  I see you're not amused.

 

BETH

Don't joke about my feelings.

 

BILL

                                                   I don't joke.

I know confusion all too well.  You spoke

To my own heart.  And now I find I'm saying

More than I should.  But please don't think I'm playing.

I'm not.  You mean too much to me.

 

BETH

                                                        Too much?

 

BILL

                To me.

 

BETH

What are you saying?

 

BILL

                                        Is it such

A shock that I might care?

 

BETH

                                        What do you mean?       

 

BILL

Between us - well - how could you not have seen?  

Suppose I said I’d had a revelation,

Or, better yet, I’d felt a strange sensation

Of overwhelming partnership for you,

Dazzlingly new, but somehow déjà vu,

As if I always knew but had denied

The truth about the joy I felt inside

Whenever you were near.

 

BETH

                                      Oh please.  Get real.

           

BILL

Would you presume to tell me what I feel?

Suppose I said, please marry me, dear Beth.

And be my wife until the hand of death

Pries us apart.  And we will climb the ladder

Of corporate success together.  Gladder

Every day to share the company

Of one another.

 

BETH

                         Are you teasing me?

 

BILL

Let's just call it hypothetical.

 

BETH

So it's not just theoretical.

 

BILL

No, my dear, my question's practical.

 

BETH

Strategic then, or merely tactical?

 

BILL

A bit of both.  I'd like to know your heart.

 

BETH

Ah.  So would I.  I'd like to find a chart

Of all its workings - map out every part,

To make emotion science, and not art.

 

BILL

Good luck.   But in the present, what's your guess

On our compatibility?   A "yes"

Would be welcomed.

 

BETH

                                 The probability....

 

BILL

Stop there!  That word foretells sterility.

I want a guess and not a calculation.

 

BETH

Grow up.  You men!  Well, for your information

There's not a chance that we could work it out.

Perhaps, indeed, with all your corporate clout

And all your business savvy and advice

My own career would soar - but at what price?

 

BILL

No price at all.  Just be my lovely wife.

And share with me the fruitful joys of life.

Keep some perspective on a basic fact:

Infatuation fades.  The second act

Of the Romantic drama loses steam,

And suddenly you waken from the dream,

Perplexed, distraught, distressed, as you discover

It’s just a man you’ve taken as your lover

And not a knight in shiny silver armor.

Although today he seems a perfect charmer,

Tomorrow he will show some tell tale sign

Of being ordinary.  The decline

And fall will follow.  Your affair

Is just a floating castle in the air.

 

BETH

You’re saying that it’s better to start out

With someone that you aren’t all hot about?

 

BILL

Not necessarily, but keep in mind

The total picture of your life.  You’ll find

That I’m the wiser choice.  Don’t be a fool

For love.  Your feelings are, I take it, cool

Toward me right now, but they will surely warm

And warm until at last their final form

Of gentle love is reached.  No disappointment,

No tears.  My love would be a soothing ointment

Healing the bruises of your psyche.  Quiet

Contentment is healthier than a riot

Of passion.

 

BETH

                    And yet, you – yourself - as you

Now speak, your tone sounds strangely like you do

In fact feel passion.  But if that tone rings true,

How can you say that passion isn’t key

When passion is what’s drawing you to me?

Now don’t deny –

 

BILL

                        I won’t deny this much.

I’m drawn to you.  And the imagined touch

Of your skin on mine does induce a shudder

Of pleasure in me.  I admit it’s utter

Silliness.  But I have to say this urge

To let my holdings and your assets merge

Makes altogether perfect sense!

 

BETH

                                                     I’m not

So sure.  You know you showed an awful lot

Of zeal last night in checking on our meal

In such detail.  What is it that you feel,

Exactly?  Are you simply overzealous

In your concern?  Or are you really jealous

Of the new turn my life has taken?

 

BILL

                                                            Well,

I wouldn’t use that J-word, but I’ll tell

You this: I feel a mite competitive,

And at the risk of sounding quite repetitive,

I’ll ask you once again.  My darling Beth,

Please marry me.  We’ll swear that until death,

Or till divorce, whichever may be first,

We’ll be united in a fruitful burst

Of mutual advantage.  It’s your life.

Schedule it wisely.  Be my lovely wife.

 

BETH

Thank you.  But, no.  I don't think it would work.

 

BILL

Think it over.  Fish within the murk

Of your mind to see if there might not lurk

Somewhere in there, a lure that pulls my way.

 

Exit Bill.  Enter Jerry.

 

JERRY

What was all that about?

 

BETH

                                            I couldn't say.

 

JERRY

It somehow looked like it was full of feeling.

 

BETH

We spoke of fishing.  And it left me reeling.

You see, some people only recognize

True love when false love stands before their eyes.

 

JERRY

Listen, I'm sorry I was too insistent

About us having lunch.

 

BETH

                                 Being persistent

Is a virtue.

 

JERRY

            Well, you seemed so resistant,

I thought that maybe it was a mistake.

 

BETH

No way.

 

JERRY

                 Say what?

 

BETH

                                     I think that you should make

Lunch reservations.  Where we ate last night.

We've got a lot to talk about.

 

JERRY

                                             All right!

 

BETH

And how about a coffee break right now?

 

JERRY

Um, yeah.  Let's do it.

 

Beth and Jerry exit together.  A beat passes.  Enter Bill, inheriting the empty stage.

 

BILL

                                       That, my friends, is how

This story ends.  I didn’t get the girl.

But -- what the hell -- whoever said the world

Would always go my way?  At least the action

Seemed to boost employee satisfaction.

 

Curtain